Dear Diary
by Jedi Jesi Jiin
Summary: Luke Skywalker stumbles upon a very interesting thing while doing a routine cleaning...
1. Chapter 1

**Dear Diary**

_**A/N:**__ This is going to be a series of journal entries by Mara Jade starting from her childhood. And as such, I will be updating this particular story for some time. So if you read, feel free to follow the story so you can keep up with new "journal entries". Thanks for taking the time to read my works!_

**Discovery**

Luke Skywalker strode purposefully through the _Jade Shadow_, hauling a bag of trash. He and his son, Ben Skywalker were doing a routine cleaning of the yacht. Ben had volunteered to do an external cleanse while his father worked on the interior. Luke set the bag of trash down beside the loading ramp, and walked aft. The last thing he had to do was check the weapon's locker to take an inventory.

Luke opened the door and started taking out each weapon in turn, inspecting each one thoroughly. He made it halfway through his task when he noticed something that looked out of place. At the base of the locker was a bulge, showing through a neat stack of military-grade blankets.

Pulling the stack carefully out of the structure, Luke heard something clump heavily to the floor. Frowning, Luke looked around the lump of cloth in his arms and spotted a long black box.

Curiosity got the better of him, and he discarded the blankets into an unceremonious heap on the floor. Then Luke knelt and picked up the box.

When he opened it, he felt a wave of surprise wash through him. Ben's presence touched his curiously, wondering what was happening. Luke reassured his son that all was fine as he stared at something he had not seen in decades.

Actual books lay in a neat row in the black box, marked on the binding with hand-written numbers. Luke sucked in a breath.

_I know that hand writing._ He thought.

Cautiously, and lovingly, Luke picked up the first of several books. It was thick, black, and it had a worn appearance as though it had been regularly used. He paused when his eyes found a small lock on the front of the book, denying him access.

Luke frowned, wondering why a bunch of locked books with Mara's handwriting would be tucked away like this. He looked through the rest of the box for a key, and found it behind a false siding.

Luke unlocked the book, tucked the key back into the box, and took a deep breath. He opened the book hesitantly, wondering what he would discover.

When his eyes fell on the first page, he simply stared.

There on the page was a simple drawing of an animal in a cage, obviously drawn by a young child. He wondered what child had drawn this for his wife, and turned the page.

What he found next startled him even more, and he felt his mouth fall agape.

_Dear diary,_

_I am Mara Jade, and I found this book in a pawn shop deep in Coruscant's under levels._

Luke almost dropped the book. His heart thumped almost painfully in his chest. There, written in the handwriting of a small child, was a journal entry from his wife. Luke flipped through the book, seeing that every page was filled with the same childish handwriting.

Then he glanced at the rest of the books, each slightly different, yet each worn and well used.

Luke wondered how he could have never noticed them. All the time he had spent with her, and as well as he knew her, he'd never known her to keep a diary.

And the fact that Mara had never brought it up meant that it had been an extremely tender subject for her. And if she had been alive today and spotted him reading her personal diary… Luke shuddered to think what she might have done.

_But she's gone now. I don't think she will mind anymore._

So Luke sat down, leaned back against the wall, and started reading again.

_Dear diary,_

_I am Mara Jade, and I found this book in a pawn shop deep in Coruscant's under levels. If the Master knew I had this and was keeping a personal diary, he'd be very upset. So I will have to find a place to hide you, diary._

_Today Master Palpatine made me train so hard that my feet are bleeding. They hurt so bad I can hardly walk. But I don't dare cry in front of him, because that would only make things worse. But I have to talk to someone, somebody who won't judge me or talk back. And I guess that's you, diary. How stupid is it that I have only you to talk to? If Master Palpatine found out, I'd really be in big trouble for appearing crazy._

_Maybe I am crazy. I did steal you, after all. I think Master would be proud of that, at least. The shop owner didn't even see me… Oh! Someone's coming! Got to go._

_~M.J._

Luke inhaled raggedly. Knowing what Mara had endured was one thing; reading about it in her own words was something else entirely. Fresh emotion swirled through him as Luke re-read about her feet.

He turned the page, eager to see what was next.

_Dear diary,_

_I'm back. I think it has been about a week. Oh, and I found a great place to hide you. I cut a barely noticeable slit in my mattress, and can shove you inside when I need to._

_Today I watched as Master punished an entire family for the mistake of their father. I wanted to scream with them, but Master would have simply turned his anger on me too. So I watched, and now that I have a moment alone, I have to ask… why can't I remember MY family?_

_I know Master has been going into my mind to help me, or at least, that's what he tells me. But I can't help but feel that I used to know my parents. And I could have sworn I had a sister…_

_It is so lonely here. I wish Master would let me have a friend. But it's probably for the best. Master is very good at using people's loved ones against them._

"Don't I know it, Mara." Luke murmured in consent.

_Tomorrow Master said he will continue my mental conditioning, so I should probably get some sleep._

_~M.J_

"Dad?"

Luke jerked, looking up. Ben stood just to his right, looking at his father curiously.

_I didn't even notice him._ Luke thought with chagrin.

"What is it Ben?"

"What's that?" His son asked, gesturing to the box of books.

Luke pondered for a moment if he should tell his son the truth. Ben had a right to know.

"I think these are journals your mother kept." He answered at last. "I found them in the weapons locker."

Ben looked surprised, and then something strange crossed his features. "And you're reading them?"

Luke nodded, smirking. "I am, and I find the contents so far to be quite interesting."

"If you say so, Dad." Ben looked once more like a teenager, causing Luke to grin.

"I suppose this means you don't want to read them too?" Luke teased.

Ben held up his hands emphatically. "No! Diaries are not my thing."

Luke chuckled.

"Anyway, I'm finished with the outside. Are you done?" Ben asked, looking pointedly at the pile of weapons and cloth on the floor.

Luke looked at the mess, and shrugged.

"I'm not done, but if you are, then you can go. I'll see you later."

Ben glanced at the book in his father's hands, and then turned to leave.

"See you later Dad."


	2. Dance Class

**Dance Class**

_Dear diary,_

_Today was actually really fun! Though I could never say that to Master, because if he knew I was having fun when I was supposed to be learning, I don't know how he would take that. I did thank him for taking me to the Ballet. It was such a pretty performance!_

_I know Master wants me to learn fine arts so I can be a better Hand, that's what Master Palpatine calls me, his Hand. I can't wait to start taking dance lessons! I even got to meet the maestro! _

_I had better get to sleep, because Master says tomorrow begins very early._

_~M.J_

Luke smiled as he remembered how Mara had danced for him on occasion. She had always been so graceful, so… perfect.

Sighing at the memory, he turned yet another page, barely noticing how much time had passed.

_Dear diary,_

_Dance lessons went very well! I think Master was quite pleased that I did so well my first time! I dance for the Master tomorrow! I am so nervous, because if I fail to impress him, it will hurt. _

_I hope he doesn't want me to do anything too advanced yet, because I just started._

_~M.J_

Luke tried to picture Mara taking her dance classes. He pictured a young red-headed girl pirouetting and moving gracefully through her dance routine. Flipping to the next page, Luke wondered if Mara had written about her test results.

_Dear diary,_

_Master was very impressed with my dance test! He told me he was proud of me! Master Palpatine is proud of me! I'm so happy right now!_

Luke frowned as he caught the enthusiasm in the journal entry. Palpatine had obviously wasted no time in completing Mara's 'mental conditioning'. He'd made it so that she sought for his approval, and so that it made her happy to have it.

He returned to his reading.

_Master promised me that if I work very hard, he will take me to another ballet! Can you believe it! And he promised that I can go shopping for a new dress too! I hope he will let me get one of those fancy ones I see many of the women wear at his grand balls. _

_I must work really hard, because I really, really want to go to the ballet! But…_

_Oops! Someone's coming!_

_~M.J_


	3. A Lesson in Failure

**A Lesson in Failure **

_**A/N:**__ Please note: the second journal entry is written in the way that it is to illustrate the state of Mara's body at the time of her journal entry, so bear with me please…_

Luke sat back against the bulkhead, still holding the first journal, but now near the end of that particular book. Mara had grown with her entries and now she was about ten years old according to her latest birthday entry.

_Dear Diary,_

_Tomorrow I have a very important test. I have to infiltrate a ball being held by one of Master's least favorite Moffs. I am supposed to get into the event unnoticed, tag the Moff without him noticing, and then I have to exit without being seen. This is going to determine if I am ready to step up to more advanced training. _

_I really hope I do well, because I like to make the Master happy… it hurts less. _

_Until next time,_

_~M.J_

Luke turned the page eagerly, wanting to see how Mara had fared in her task. What he found on the next page nearly stopped his heart. The writing on the page was barely legible, and it was splattered here and there with dried blood stains. Luke stared in horror, and with a sinking feeling, he slowly deciphered the text.

_Dear Diary,_

_I can… barely write, because my… hand… is so swollen and bloody… that I have to use the Force… to keep the pen… steady. I hurt… so bad! I have pain… everywhere. And I… cannot tell… if I am actually… writing what I mean to write._

_Obviously I did a less than… perfect performance. I infiltrated… without any problems… but when I tried to… get near the… Moff… I was caught… and when I failed to persuade… the guards that I belonged in… the party… I was thrown out._

_Master was so furious… that he had me beaten until… I saw stars. I think the Red Guard member broke at least… one rib. My hands are swollen… and bleeding because they crushed them with heavy tools. _

_Master said that I… got off with a light scathing! I can't imagine what any other higher… levels of punishment… would be like… for failure._

_I have to go… my hand is… shaking uncontrollably... now…_

_I… won't be… writing… for a while._

_~M.J_

Luke felt burning tears of outrage at the abuse Mara had sustained at the hands of Palpatine and his Red Guard. He dropped the book and pounded an angry fist against the weapons locker.

"Dad?"

Luke looked up sharply, mind whirling. Ben rushed around the corner, grabbing for his father in the Force.

"What's wrong?" Ben asked before coming to a stop. "Dad, have you been here all night?"

Luke frowned, and glanced at a chrono on the wall. Only then did he realize that it was indeed late morning.

"I guess I have been." Luke said hoarsely, working moisture back into his mouth.

Ben cocked an eyebrow, looking at the journal beside his father.

"I stopped by your room this morning and saw that you weren't home, so I came here looking for you. When I got close I felt your anger." Ben looked Luke in the eye. "What's got you all riled up?"

Luke cleared his throat. "I was reading a particularly… disturbing journal entry."

"Then why don't you call it quits?" Ben asked.

Luke shook his head. "No, I _want_ to read these." Then he added quietly, "I have to."

"I understand, Dad. But maybe you could intersperse some regular activities into your reading time? Like eating a meal." Ben suggested, and upon sniffing the air close to his father, he added with a smirk. "Or you could take a shower."

Luke caught a whiff his clothes and winced. He still smelled from the previous day's work.

"Hmm… good point."


	4. Sweethearts Day

**Sweethearts Day**

Luke settled into his bed after a good day's work, ready to relax and read more about his beloved Mara. He had finished the first book of journal entries, and was ready to delve into the second. This new book was brown, and it seemed less worn and used than the first had been, suggesting less frequent use.

Luke opened to the first page, and immediately saw a change. In Mara's first diary, she had always begun her entries with the heading _Dear Diary_ but that heading was gone now. He flipped casually through the pages, noting the same thing on many other pages.

Returning to the beginning of the journal, Luke began to read.

_Tomorrow is Sweethearts Day. A ridiculous holiday, if you ask me. What is the point of a romantic holiday if there is no romance in your life? I have no friends, and certainly no boyfriends. However, I do have a 'date' with a man the Emperor wants tagged. And by tagged, I mean marked for death. Tomorrow I will be making my first kill._

Luke started, frowning. This journal entry, according to the way Mara had explained her first kill, would have been years after the end of her first journal. Luke wondered why she had stopped writing for so long. But the difference in this journal entry was starkly different from the first book. This journal entry was sounding much more like the Mara Luke had known and loved.

He shrugged, and returned his eyes to the page.

_This assassination will mark my graduation in a sense. I will be moving on to bigger and better assignments. And if I succeed, maybe I will finally get to have a room and a place of my own. I am sick of these damned barrack s I seem to be constantly thrown into. _

_Anyway, I guess this Moff has really stepped on Master's toes, because he wants the rat dead yesterday. I will be going on a 'date' with the Moff, posing as a dancer, and when he takes me to a private place, I will end his life. _

_And by so doing I will earn myself some freedom, and respect: and people will finally have to accept my lethal grace. _

_~M.J_

Luke flipped the page, wondering if this more familiar version of his wife would write about her assignment after the fact like she had in previous entries.

_Well, the scumbag is dead, and I can't be happier about it. I know Master is very pleased. The term rat, that u used earlier might have been too kind a term to describe the Moff. He was a Hutt in a human's body, and though I am not surprised by his selfish ways (a common thing among Imperial Elite) I was disgusted at how uncivilized he was. He tried to get me to 'dance' with him in bed, and I had to hold back the urge to vomit on him. _

_Although, in hind sight, the look on his face as I ruined his perfect uniform would have been card-worthy! _

Luke found himself chuckling as he imagined Mara would have upon writing this.

_Anyway, a for the Sweethearts Day part, my present was the Emperor granting me my own place! FINALLY! I will get out of this stupid room, and have some space to move._

_I will be moving to my new apartment next week in the Imperial Palace, upper levels! _

_Some one's coming. _

_~M.J_

Luke sat back, remembering his first Sweethearts day with Mara. That had been one very special occasion. He remembered Mara claiming for days beforehand that it was her least favorite holiday.

"It's a ridiculous day for single people to remember that they are still bachelors." Mara had said.

"But you're not single anymore, My Love."

She'd looked at him, as if just remembering that, and then her expression had softened.

"I guess I've always shunned it, because I've never had anyone I actually _wanted_ to share it with."

That night she'd made love to him like never before, and Luke felt a great sense of longing.

His first Sweethearts Day without Mara had been a dreadful day, but Luke pushed those memories away, choosing to instead focus on the happier times.


	5. A Newfound Freedom

**A Newfound Freedom**

_My apartment is amazing! I have an awesome view of the Manarai Mountains, and at sunset, the glowing orb sets down right behind those beautiful peaks. I have a full bed! I'm not usually all sappy, but I will allow myself to be happy with my new home. It is furnished lightly, just as I like it, but it needs a touch of tasteful décor. Maybe I can pick something up while on my first assignment off Coruscant._

_My favorite thing about my apartment is my balcony where I can sit, relax, and enjoy a steaming cup of caf. And of course, breathe actual air, not the recycled crap back at the barracks like room I used to call home. _

_I have been in my new home for three days now. Not many people know who I am yet, but trust me when I say that they will know and respect my name. _

Luke lifted an eyebrow at that. This was definitely the Mara he had met on Myrkr all those years ago. He read on.

_Enough sappy junk, Mara, get back to business. I have a meeting with Master to discuss my first assignment as the Emperor's Hand. _

_~M.J_

Luke turned the page, but before reading further, he sipped from a glass of water on his bedside table.

_I leave in the morning for Naboo, where a pesky senator needs to be dealt with. E is causing nothing but trouble for Master Palpatine. I'm eager to see Naboo, though if Master knew that, he's kill me. _

_I am also finding out how hard it is maintain a public cover now that I am free to move around. Several young men have already asked me out while I've lounged at a cantina or a restaurant, or just walking about. Only one of them was attractive enough for me to even acknowledge him. I had to remind myself that relationships are forbidden by Master because they cloud the judgment. And I must say, I agree._

_Everyone says that women are hard to understand, but I disagree. Men are too complicated, if you ask me. They seem to think that no means yes… if they even bother to allow you to answer their requests. _

_So I maintain my don't-bother-me attitude, because it's just easier that way. If I don't give them a chance, then nothing can or will happen. I do not want a relationship anyway, and I doubt I ever will. _

Luke smirked. She had, of course, broken that promise when she'd agreed to marry him, and Luke knew that she had been almost frightened by the dependency on another being. But once they had melded on Nirauan, she had held nothing back.

"Mara, I am so glad you found me!" Luke whispered aloud.


	6. A Fine Art Indeed

**A Fine Art Indeed**

Luke walked through the door to his quarters on the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, and settled wearily into his favorite chair. He ran a hand through his hair, thinking of how tedious today's meetings had been.

Luke closed his eyes for a moment, taking the time to enjoy the peaceful quiet. Finally he rose, and made himself dinner. He retrieved Mara's journal and opened to the page he'd stopped on, and began to read between bites.

_Master has instructed me that I am to delve even deeper into the fine arts. I cannot say I am too thrilled about the "art" part of this, but Master says it's important, so I will do it. I already have dancing down pat. Master will not allow me to attend another opera or ballet until I have perfected the more physical arts. _

_I hope he doesn't expect me to become a master painter or sculpture, because that is beyond even my comprehension. I have checked out several volumes to read and study on the various physical arts such as painting. I must say, what I have read so far has nearly put me to sleep a dozen times already. _

_I will try my hand at a painting or two, just so I can get a more practical feel for it. I must study well, though, because in one week, Master will be taking me to an art show, where I will be required to inspect similar paintings. I will be required not only to critique the paintings in a way that makes artistic sense, but I will have to determine correctly which print is the original one. _

_Oh joy…_

_~M.J_

Luke set his fork down, and turned the page. He was mildly surprised to find a small drawing of a landscape. It was a set of three mountains overlooking a lake with a few trees. Beneath the drawing was a small inscription.

_Wow, this took me forever! I don't know how the painters do it, because I don't think I would have the guts to try coloring even this small picture. I'd ruin it for sure. I will have to try something larger scale, though, so wish me luck. _

_~M.J_

Luke studied the drawing for a long time, seeing little bits of Mara's practical nature in how the mountains were almost perfectly uniform. He also noted that with the erratic trees, her more intimate side was slightly revealed.

He took a small piece of flimsy, and put it in the page, so he could find the drawing again later. Finally, he turned the page.

_This has probably been one of the most… interesting nights I've had in a while. I am a little surprised and embarrassed to admit that I did have some fun at the art show. Little did I know that painters could be so… erratic!_

_It was almost comical, but had I laughed, Master would have had my head. So I performed my task, and I must say I did so brilliantly. The man I ended up comparing the prints with happened to be the artist. And when I pointed out that his brush strokes seemed a little too heavy for such an intimate piece of art, he just stared at me, dumbfounded._

_I don't think he was used to hearing negative things about his art. Even Master allowed his amusement to show that time. Score, one Mara!_

_I will say this though. Painting is more of a fine art than I could have previously imagined. And having tried my hand at it, my hat is off to the masters of this trade. It really is a 'fine art'._

_~M.J_


	7. Secret Tunnels

**Secret Tunnels**

Luke sat in the cramped confines of his X-wing cockpit, oblivious to the starlines streaking by. His full and rapt attention was focused on yet another entry made long ago by his wife into her journal.

Her entries of late had been less personal and more informative, giving him a view of what she focused on. It also showed how she slowly but surely became the cold and calculating woman he'd initially met.

_Today I discovered that there are a network of tunnels beneath the Imperial Palace, and perhaps even throughout most of the Senatorial district. That could come in quite handy in a pinch. I could do a job, and then disappear underground. From the state most of the tunnels are in, I doubt most people even remember that they exist. _

_I have already begun exploring and mapping out the tunnels. I will have them memorized within a month. Master has been pushing me even harder than normal of late. Probably because of the stupid Rebel Alliance people keep whispering exists. _

_Rebellion is an apt word. Imagine; there are people out there stupid enough to try outwitting the Emperor. Idiots, all of them. _

Luke chuckled, knowing that eventually, he'd also become an 'idiot'.

_Master has tasked Vader with tracking their movements. Really? That hunk of bulky junkyard parts couldn't sneak up on anyone in that damned outfit if he tried. The rebreather kind of gives him away. I can always hear him coming from a mile away. _

Despite the affront to his lineage, Luke couldn't help but burst out laughing at Mara's description of Darth Vader. He wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, taking a shuddering breath and trying to calm down enough to read.

Upon returning his attention to the page, Luke discovered that his eyes were still a bit watery with mirth. Luke had to set the book down until his vision cleared. Finally, he was able to continue.

_Anyway, that's what Master wants, and what he wants, he gets…_

_Well, I have part of the tunnel system mapped out, and I have early training tomorrow with the hand-to-hand teachers. Oh joy. I get to put up with a bunch of over sized pre-teens in leotards. I swear; some men never grow up. Well, I guess no man ever truly grows up…_

_Anyway, got work to do._

_~M.J_

Luke shook his head, smirking. He could just picture the scene Mara had painted: a couple of men in work-out gear, no doubt doing their best to woo the fair lady.

A pang of sorrow touched his heart. Mara had been his fair lady… the fairest ever.

Luke touched his breast pocket, feeling the locket he carried that kept her final note to him. His heart forever belonged to her, more so now because of her absence.

Luke closed his eyes, clutching the book to his chest, and wishing for the millionth time that it was Mara Jade Skywalker.


	8. Cheaters Never Prosper

**Cheaters Never Prosper**

Luke stretched tired limbs, turning to the next page after a few moments spent contemplating where he and Mara would be right now if she were alive.

Would they have taken out Jacen together, so that Jaina Solo wouldn't have had to kill her own twin? Luke felt his heart go out to his niece once again. Luke couldn't even begin to wonder if he would have had the courage to go after Leia if it had been her in Darth Caedus's position.

He returned his attention to the book now resting in his lap. Mara's tunnel entry had been fun and enlightening, and he wondered what would come next.

_Why that cheating, no good, kriffing fool!_

Luke paused, taken aback by the vehement statement, but pressed on.

_One of the hand-to hand perverts tried to feel me up today, and when I called him on it, he merely advanced. He actually suggested that we find a more secluded location to "do more private hand-to-hand"! _

_That kriffing, scruffy-looking, backstabbing bastard! And if that wasn't enough, the man is married! Probably not for long, if his wife has any brains. _

_That man probably spends more time cheating on his wife than he does in his damned beloved gym. Anyway, when he grabbed my arm, I immediately twisted his limb to the breaking point, and brought my vibroblade down to his groin. _

_After a rather one-sided conversation, the man will never come near me again in that manner. _

Luke winced in male-sympathy.

_Let me just say, if I ever marry – an unlikely occurrence unless by some miracle the Emperor allows me to retire – that man had better keep himself together. The only woman he will make any sexual advances on will be me. And I'd never marry a man I had any doubts about. But that being said, if I was married, and he cheated on me, he would forever lose the ability to procreate. _

_I happen to have a few very effective tools that would very nicely – for me – do the job. _

As Mara detailed the many ways in which she could, and probably would, make that man a eunuch, Luke found himself protecting his own manhood. He knew without a doubt that his wife was very capable of doing each and every one of those things.

He silently thanked the Force that he never had any desire to cheat on Mara Jade Skywalker.

_I think that would do nicely._

_Anyway, if that lying fool of a trainer didn't have a baby on the way, I'd report him to my Master and revel in the man's punishment. Unfortunately, I don't want the Emperor to take his anger out on the poor woman and the defenseless being within her. _

Luke took a measure of comfort in the knowledge that even in her staunchest days under the Emperor she would never willingly hurt innocent children.

_Well, that's all the excitement I can handle for one day. Force help the man who tries to make me love him… and no amount of Force mastery will save him if he breaks my heart._

_~M.J_


	9. Hold-out Blaster

**Hold-out Blaster**

_Today marks a good day for me. I received a 'gift' from the Emperor. He said it was for excelling in my blaster training. I can strip, clean and re-dress a blaster in under a minute… blindfolded and without the Force. Score one Mara. _

_So what is my gift? Well, in my mind, the freedom to finally go on many more off-planet missions. But anyway, Master gave me a __Czerka Arms __411 Hold-Out Blaster Pistol. A nice hold-out blaster of Imperial style: and in fact, many scout troopers and officers have hold-out blasters because they're easier to conceal._

_What Master doesn't know is that I already have my own secret weapon. Literally. I purchased myself a __HattMark Derringer, a much more light-weight option that doesn't sacrifice range and agility._

_I don't know how Master would react if he knew I'd purchased this behind his back, and I have no intention of allowing him to. This is the only thing in my life I truly own, and I will be damned if I will sit by and watch someone take that little shred of me away!_

_~M.J_

Luke cocked his head thoughtfully, and got up from the pilot's chair. Moving aft, Luke went not to the main weapons cache, but to his cabin aboard the _Jade's Shadow_. Mara had always kept her hold-out blaster in a secret compartment under the bunk when she wasn't wearing it.

He accessed the compartment and dug through it until his fingers found the cool metal of Mara's favorite blaster. Securing the safe, Luke sat on the floor of the cabin, resting the blaster in his lap.

For as long as he could remember, Mara had always had this blaster. However, Luke had never before realized just how precious it was to her. Mara had written that this blaster was the only thing she'd owned at the time.

It was probably also the last remaining piece of physical evidence of Mara's time as the Emperor's Hand.

Luke picked up the weapon with new reverence, closing his eyes, and seeking out Mara's distinct impression in the weapon. She'd always loved her secret weapon, and now he knew why.

Luke caught the faintest whiffs of images as the weapon seemed to share with him glimpses of its time in Mara's service.

_He saw a man hovering over her, a vibroblade pressed to her neck, mono-logging, and then his face contorted as Mara shot him through the chest with her concealed blaster. _

_She sat at a table in the back of a seedy cantina, eyeing a man at the bar surreptitiously. When he left, she followed, catching him by the collar and dragging him soundlessly into the dark alleyway. Her blaster was suddenly against his jugular, and the man's eyes were wide with fear. _

Luke shook his head to clear it, not wanting to dwell on Mara's negative memories. She had left that life behind ages ago.

Luke felt a faint smile tug at his lips, and he returned the special weapon to its resting place.

When he returned to the cockpit, Ben was in the co-pilots chair, eyeing the book oddly.

Luke sat down, and lifted an eyebrow at his son. "Something wrong, Ben?"

Ben blinked as if coming out of deep thought, and met his father's gaze.

"You're still reading those?" He inquired.

Luke nodded unabashedly.

"But… don't you think it's kind of… I don't know, cutting into her privacy?"

Luke didn't take offense: instead he was grateful and even a little proud of Ben for protecting his mother… even after her death years ago.

"I guess it could be seen that way." Luke admitted. "But I prefer to think of it as remembering her."

Ben twisted his lips in a thoughtful expression, then shrugged and turned to his consol. "I know you would never dishonor Mom."

Luke nodded. "If I thought for one minute that I was wronging her, I would put these away and never touch them again."

Ben lifted his head. "I know, Dad."

"I still have the others if you change your mind about reading them." Luke offered quietly.

But Ben shook his head adamantly. "I don't think I want to know what Mom calls a diary entry."

Luke couldn't help but chuckle. "There have been some rather… interesting things in these books."

Ben held up his hands. "I don't want to know!"

Luke grinned widely: some things never changed.


	10. Anger Management

**Anger "Management"**

_Today Master actually gave me a compliment! I could hardly believe it! I was in my hand-to-hand class, and my instructor was being a pain in the rear. (As usual). Anyway, I got fed up with his insults, and though I pride myself on my usual level of self-control, today was my breaking point._

_My instructor insulted me more so than normal today, I guess he was in a foul mood. He probably didn't get lucky at his normal after-hours hideout. Too bad for him. _

_I digress: he pushed me past my limits, and when he kept telling me I was doing things wrong (I knew he was lying) and insulting me, I decided to show him how well I could do things "wrong"._

_I think I scared him because I allowed my anger to fuel me, and I discovered that I was a little more agile with the emotion feeding me strength. Needless to say, he's going to be spending an inordinate amount of time in the medcenter. _

_My master was initially furious that I put the man in the hospital, but then he realized that I acted in anger, and he told me I did very well. He encouraged me to use such emotion when I felt I needed a boost of strength. _

_And I will admit, it felt good to finally give the fool his dues, but at the same time I… _

Luke blinked as Mara's handwriting abruptly stopped halfway down the page.

Mara had yet to cut herself off like this during one of her entries. Luke couldn't help but wonder if this were some small part of the innocent girl left in the ever-hardening woman.

He had always known she was a good person at heart. Even when they'd first met, he had sensed it, though she constantly denied any such thing to his face. He smiled warmly as he recalled how that smaller, lighter part of Mara Jade had slowly but surely blossomed from a bud into the most radiant of flowers.

Oh, how he missed her! He missed running his fingers through her silky red-gold locks, and touching her sweet and full lips with his own. He missed looking into her intelligent, jewel-like eyes, and seeing her wry and sometimes irreverent sense of humor reflected there.

His arms ached every night to hold his beloved Mara one more time, if even for just a second in time. And he missed her boundless love.

Luke sighed, and then frowned before flipping the page and finding the second part on the next page.

_I… don't really know where that last sentence came from yesterday. I spent several hours meditating and walking the gardens in the Imperial Palace. I had to clear my mind of any thoughts that Master wouldn't approve of. _

_Because when Palpatine disapproves of something he is not subtle about it at all. Nor is he above 'corrective procedures'. I've experienced his wrath enough times, and I don't look forward to willingly bringing on the rain. _

_I must be a good servant to my master, and he will find favor in me, and he will reward me. I cannot be distracted by divided loyalties, and I refuse to fail my master. The day I fail at an assignment is the day my life ends._

_~M.J_

Luke grimaced. The day she had failed had been the day he had rescued Han from Jabba the Hutt. And while he was grateful to have been able to live a long and altogether happy life, he was sorry he had been the beginning of her downfall.

Mara had had it all, at least in her eyes. And for him to basically waltz in and take that away had to have smarted.

No wonder she had hated him for so long.

Luke knew that her false understanding of the events of the second Death Star had been a major factor in her emotional state. But he was no fool to think that his hand in destroying her "good life" hadn't also played a large role.

But then again, Luke knew, his role in destroying her falsely secure life had eventually led to their wonderful marriage… and years of love and bliss.

And Ben.

Ben was the best thing to come from their life together, and he would not trade his son for all the wealth and power in the galaxy.

"Speaking of Ben." Luke mumbled as he stretched in his chair. "He's due for dinner soon."

Luke marked the page in the diary, and left it on his desk to make their meal.


	11. Wheezer

**Wheezer**

Luke settled into his favorite recliner, blowing out a long breath to expel the day's tension. It had been a long and tedious afternoon filled with meeting after meeting, and Luke was more than ready to blow off a bit of steam.

He laid his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes, running through a few calming exercises. When he felt at peace, Luke stood and got himself a glass of juba juice before retreating to his office where Mara's journal beckoned to him.

He settled comfortably into his office chair and retrieved the journal, eager to read her latest entry. Luke took a swig of his juice and then held the glass in one hand as he read, taking intermittent sips.

_Darth Vader and I had a fun day together. He's an interesting character, that's for certain. He has a worse attitude than Wilhuff Tarkin, and that's saying something. I mean, at least you can pretty much read Tarkin's face, or rather, his eyes. And he doesn't hide behind a mask. _

_But Vader… that man drives me crazy! I mean, why does he wear that full-body suit? What's he hiding? Does he have a problem with sunlight? Is he ashamed of his appearance? Does he have Mysophobia? The man's office and living quarters—what I have seen of them anyway—are always spic and span, not a thing out of place… no smudges of dust, nada. _

_And then there's his breathing. I guess it's his calling card:_

"_Here comes Wheezer!"_

Luke made the mistake of taking a drink just before reading that last and he sputtered into a coughing fit as he erupted into fits of laughter. He pounded his chest, trying to breath around his gags.

Finally he managed to stop choking and coughing and re-read the last passage with watery eyes.

"Here comes Wheezer?" He read aloud in a hoarse voice.

A huge grin spread across his face at this rare example of the true personality under the tough exterior.

Luke chuckled again at his father's appropriate nickname, as he had been dubbed by Mara.

_Wheezer_.

Luke shook his head, imagining Anakin Skywalker burying his head in his hands right about now.

Luke returned to the journal entry.

_It is nearly impossible to not know Vader is in the vicinity. If his breathing didn't give it away, then the cold shiver that always precedes him would surely do the trick. _

_Anyway, Master ordered us to spar so that I could test my lightsaber skills in real-life combat. _

_I will say this about Palpatine's henchman. He knows how to wield his blade. I was hard-pressed to keep up with his vicious attacks. I wonder if that's how he spends his free time: dueling his expensive practice droids. _

_Anyway, he humiliated me in front of my master, though I guess I should've seen it coming. He's not the Emperor's second-in-command for nothing. _

_Well, I'll just avoid him as much as possible. But when Master puts us together, I will be the better person and be civil. _

_Maybe if I didn't fear the Emperor's reaction to my nickname for Vader, I'd share it with him. I think if I am feeling really bold one day I might let it slip to Vader. _

_Though he'd probably spear me on the spot… nasty temper and all. _

_So I will keep his name to myself. _

_Here's to Wheezer. _

_M.J_


	12. Fire and Ice

**Fire and Ice**

Luke sat in his favorite recliner, watching the first of winter's snow flurry gently past his balcony outside. The cityscape that was Coruscant was in a haze, visibility reduced by the falling flurry. With a throw blanket over his legs, and a mug of hot chocolate steaming in readiness beside the chair, Luke picked up Mara's journal and began reading.

_I hate the snow, this much I have decided. Shortly after my fifteenth lifeday, Master had me go on a training mission to Illum, something about finding a crystal in a cave. He told me nothing beyond that when he sent me; only that if I failed, I would be punished. _

_Needless to say I trudged through snowdrifts for two standard days before I finally found the kriffing cave. And after wearing snow-soaked and frozen gear while wading through knee-high snow (some of the drifts were even wait high) I am through with snow. I would be completely happy never to saw another icy flake so long as I lived. _

_To top it all off, as soon as I entered this 'mystical cave', the entrance began to close back up. Not quickly, but enough to know that my time in the stupid cave was rather limited. _

Luke paused, remembering his own trip to the frosty planet. The Jedi Master chuckled as he imagined Mara's fiery temper combating the wintry conditions on Illum. It was amazing that her glare didn't melt the snow as she walked.

Luke chuckled at the thought, but also felt a pang as he suddenly became cold; his heart ached for that fire.

Bringing his mind back to the book, Luke pursed his lips in thought. He knew well the cave she was describing. It would be interesting to see what her trial was.

_I made my way through the cavern, half of my mind happy to be out of the elements. It's what happened next that gives me another reason to write this entry. Normally I don't scare easily, but this… this disturbed me greatly._

_What I saw… was a man and a child, smiling at me, and obviously very much in love with me respectively. _

Luke blinked in shock. When he'd gone, it had been a horrible experience, testing him in ways he'd not thought possible until then. Mara had seen her future: or a possible one anyway.

Could it have been Luke and Ben she had seen? He couldn't recall her mentioning anything about such a vision.

So why would such a happy prospect disturb Mara so? Luke continued reading and received the answer he already knew deep in his heart.

_I knew this had to be a trick: some man (a handsome one I will freely admit) with sandy blond hair and the bluest eyes showered me with love and kisses. Meanwhile the red-haired boy with the man's eyes smiled at me as only a child could smile at his mother. _

_I was angry! I screamed at the vision to go away, but the more I struggled against it, the more realistic it became until I saw myself in bed with the man… and pregnant with his child. It was the look on not just his face that stopped me cold, but the look on mine as well. _

_The man looked… happy. Joyful would probably be a better description. He had one arm wrapped about my shoulders while his free hand rested lovingly on my swollen belly. As for me… well, I looked… at peace. Content with the world, and, dare I believe it… blissful._

_I broke down at that point, sobbing mightily for a family I could never possibly have, but only then saw how desperately I craved. I _wanted_ this. I wanted to have a family of my own. But it would never happen so long as I was the Emperor's Hand. _

_There would be no way in Corellia's seven hells that he would release me from service so I could start a 'happy little family'. And even if he did… well, I think that would be infinitely worse because I would be constantly worrying about the safety of said family; especially the child. _

_What if Palpatine took my son and twisted him into a monster?_

At this, Luke shuddered with horror. He thanked the Force Ben was safe from Palpatine's maniacal clutches.

_I shook my head to clear it, and only then noticed that the vision had faded away, revealing only the dark, cold walls of the cave. _

_But as I went to leave- determined that I had failed my master in my quest to bring him a jewel- something caught my eye. I felt drawn by what had to be the Force. I followed faithfully, and gasped upon seeing a long, narrow gem sitting alone in a dip in the cave wall. _

_I picked it up, and instantly felt connected to it. And I knew then what it was. It was a lightsaber crystal. And not just any crystal: it was an amethyst gem of the most gorgeous hue. I clutched it to my heart, wondering if my master was _finally_ going to allow me to build myself a lightsaber. Oh, what I could truly do for him with a lightsaber at my side!_

_The trip home was uneventful, except that I had to belly-crawl out of the entrance because it had nearly closed in when I finally left. _

_When I went to present my success to Palpatine, I had a moment's hesitation; a dread that if my master knew what I had seen in that cave that he would lose it completely. Fear that he would deign to destroy any chance I would have at such a future drove me to hide those memories as deeply as possible. I smoothed them over with a half-truth, something my master taught me perhaps a little too thoroughly. _

_I presented my prize to him and he smiled proudly, but only for a heartbeat. Nevertheless, it was a proud smile, and I will cherish it, because a genuine smile from the Emperor is a rare gift. _

_He allowed me to build a lightsaber, telling me that he would deny me a red blade because I wasn't a fully trained Sith. Also, he said it wasn't the best crystal because I am not worthy of the best lightsaber. But I didn't care about that. I simply wanted the honor of carrying a weapon _I _had made. His opinion on this didn't matter to me at this point. I was still on an emotional high._

_Now I am proud to say that the construction of my first lightsaber is already well under way. _

_The only thing I regret is having to snuff out any thoughts or dreams pertaining to the family I saw. I must forget the vision ever happened, because it never will. Palpatine is too strong, and he has an entire Empire to protect him. He will never set me free, not truly. _

_So once I am done writing this, my vision will never again be acknowledged. If I could, I would purge it completely from my mind, but alas, I cannot do so. _

_Until next time, whenever that may be._

_~ M.J. _

Tears leaked from Luke's eyes as he realized how long Mara had been saddled with such a high hope. He couldn't imagine what it must've been like to have that proverbial carrot hung before her, only to never be able to reach it.

But she had, eventually, achieved that goal… but it had taken her more than ten years to do so.

Luke kissed the tear-stained pages, clutching the book to his heart.

"I'm glad you found me Mara." He whispered.


End file.
